Death. You know every one will succumb to finality of life eventually. And yet, when death knocks on the door of someone you love, the pain hits. The indescribable pain shocks you to the core. Even though we know it will happen, nothing can really prepare you for it.
Loosing a child, this is pain beyond pain. Nothing can prepare a parent for this. It is not expected. It should not be expected.
Death it is so final. A child would not choose to die. A child would not choose to leave a bereft parent. That, may be, an incomprehensible consolation.
So, what about separation? Being separated from your child. How can you prepare for this? Having your child taken by the only other person you once trusted to love your child as much as you. Having your child choose another family over you. Can you prepare yourself for this?
After allowing my older child to live with his father and his new family, my daughter and I started to rebuild our lives. But like death, the threat of further legal action was inevitable. I knew it would happen. I predicted it. I waited. I knew. So when the text arrived notifying me less than 1 year after loosing my son, that my precious daughter had decided to move to her Dads, I should have been prepared. I was not.
Seeing my son every other weekend breaks my heart. Hearing him tell me that he doesn’t trust me is comparable to free falling without the ‘comfort’ of hitting the ground. The knowledge that my daughter could soon have these thoughts is a terrifying. Someone has pressed the pause button on my life, I am incapacitated. The fear is indescribable.
I am not that naive to believe that people don’t judge me, despite their protestations. There is no smoke without fire. I am still looking for the fire near me. There is no reason for this to happen. I am a loving mum, who is devoted to both her children. Yet, my son — and now my daughter — have chosen their Dad and his new family.
My little baby girl is 10 tomorrow. I want to wrap her up and never let her go. I want to protect her from the influences that are persuading her to leave me. If I do, I will be competing, I will be influencing. If I tell her I love her, I am accused of manipulating her. But, as always I will reassure her that her home is with me. I will tell her I love her and that I am her lioness and she is my cub.
My cubs decision is not however definite. She cries herself to sleep saying she ‘doesn’t know what to decide’. My reassurances that she doesn’t have to, are no match for the bi-weekly influence exerted on her by the others.
The currently in place court order gives me residency. Text messages are received explaining that if I choose to take this to court I will inflict emotional pain to my baby. Can I let it go that far and cause her so much upset? Shall I just accept that no one wins in this fight and save as much pain as possible? How much does a lioness love her cub?